Anxiety

Twenty-five to life

In the prison

That is my mind

No chance of parole

No chance of a pardon

The sentence much too harsh

For the petty crime of existing


My mental health hasn’t been great this week and I have been crying a lot. Sometimes mental illnesses really feel like a life sentence. It’s hard to explain to people that don’t understand, people with regularly functioning minds. I’m not sharing this for sympathy or anything like that. I wanted to share this because I want to be my real self with you guys. No ones life is perfect, mine definitely isn’t. We all have our good and bad days and that’s okay. Hope you guys are having a good week so far. Let me know how you’re really doing in the comments below.

I read this post earlier today and it really resonated with me because I’ve been feeling similarly lately to what she describes in her post. I thought I would add a link to it because she is much more eloquent in her descriptions than I can ever hope to be.

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110 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. Love you poem and your honest sharing Pooja. I went to the site you mentioned and left a message to her as well for her courage and bravery. We learn to ride the waves a little more each time they crash down on us and we become weathered and beautiful sea glass. Crying is the inroad to our feelings so I hope you feel the cleansing of those tears as well. I’ve been yelling a little more than usual and pulling my hair out around here. Hang in there my friend. Big hugs and always love! 💖💖💖🥰🥰

    1. Thanks so much and appreciate you going to her site too. I definitely think we experience negative emotions for a reason and we need to experience them to heal. I feel much better today. A good cry does wonders. Hope you’re good too- I know you always have something to do and that’s not easy either 💖💕

      1. You’re so welcome Pooja! You’re so welcome! She says a lot of great honest things.
        Negative feelings are part of living so we can know joy too and you are so right a good cray helps.
        I roll with what cones and scale the gamer if feelings to access moments of peace -:)
        Thanks a lot!!😂💪🙏

    2. Thanks so much, Pooja, for your honesty. This post, and the one following, “Toxic Positivity” are insightful and wise. You express well the troubles we have in mental illness. Keep up the good work!

  2. This is a great post. When it comes to mental health, never in a moment, do I think of sympathy but rather empathy. I think you are lighting a small spark for others to feel comfortable sharing their experiences and feelings. I love your poem and share many of the same feelings. Thank you for empowering so many to tune in with who they are and where they are at! Annie 🙂

    1. Thank you so much. I really try to be honest so other people feel like they’re not alone if they’re experiencing something similar. It’s hard sometimes but I know I need to share certain things. Thanks again!

  3. I am writing tomorrow’s morning blog and I mentioned mental health is usually at the bottom of our priority list, if listed at all. I understand from experience and will keep you in prayer, Pooja.

  4. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I, too, have struggled with anxiety throughout my life. Thank you for sharing your struggles. You’re not alone. Hugs!

  5. I lived with chronic pain for 40 years. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the mornings because I knew that first step and those there after were going to hurt like hell. The doctor had me on oxycodone for 10 years and one morning I said no more and quit cold turkey. I’ve been there. Depression sucks but you can beat this. You have it in you to beat it. You just have to believe that and stay strong and focused. I’m cheering for you. Don’t ever give up and never stop believing in yourself.

    1. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to live with chronic pain. I’m so glad you were able to fight your depression and thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

  6. I got my booster and feel like crap both physically and mentally, these past 2 weeks were kind of lame, not sure why because I have to be celebrating the end of school year and having fun. I feel like an old woman with no prospects for the future, I feel like the only thing I have left is to look back and remember all the good days in Ukraine, when I was myself, full of hope and optimism.

    1. That sucks. I felt the same way after mine for a few days since it really takes you out. I felt that way when I graduated and still feel that way to an extent. I sometimes wish I could go back to being the person I was when I started university.

  7. I wish you feel better soon.
    You are a guiding force and I really want you to be happy.
    Please take care of your physical and mental health.
    Thanks for sharing all this, this was important. This is creating awareness. You are phenomenal Pooja, I wish you the best.
    Keep shining.

  8. My father died last year and I was not expecting it. I went into mental depression for quite a long time. I just wanted to die but then I made up my mind and tried to overcome it. I know the mental depression sucks but you can beat it Pooja. You are my inspiration and I know you won’t give up so easily.

    1. I’m so sorry to hear about your father, that must have been difficult. I agree it sucks but we can always beat it. Thanks for the encouragement.

  9. This post resonated with me a lot, so thank you for writing it. I have fragile mental health too and am finding things tough right now. It feels like there is no end in sight.
    I hope that brighter days will come around soon for you and I am so glad I found your wonderful blog as well – truly inspirational.
    Sending you love and positive vibes

    1. I’m sorry you’re experiencing similar feelings. Mental health problems are extremely difficult to deal with sometimes. But I have faith things will get better for both of us. Thanks so much.

  10. While it is true that we all have our ups and downs (especially those of us with mental illness) it sounds like you are on a dip. Take heart, dear, that it’ll go up from here. I’ve found that finding things for which you are grateful can help. Also, try sniffing one of your favorite scents. The olfactory sense is one of the strongest senses and can trigger a strong response. Do you have any essential oils that you like? How about just zesting a lemon? That always gives me a boost! Prayers coming you way.

    To be truthful, it’s been a difficult time for us. We are all struggling so to stay positive. It is worth the fight, but it is definitely a battle. However, God is good, and the difficulties won’t last forever. I am trying to look around and enjoy nature, spending time with the kiddos, and trying to relax and have fun. My essential oils don’t hurt either! Love and blessings to you!

    1. Thanks so much and yes gratitude does help a lot. I used rosemary oil today which made me feel a lot better.

      Sorry to hear times are tough for you too, I know some of the things you’re going through and it can’t be easy. Sending lots of love to you and your wonderful children!

  11. Thank you for being so honest Pooja. Sharing your thoughts and feelings helps so many people, including me. Mental health is something that many people don’t think about until it affects them but it really does need to be a priority, something we are all more open about. Keep being you Pooja, you’re amazing!

    1. Thanks. I try to share the realities of what having mental health problems are like since I know not everyone understands and it l feel like it may help others going through something similar. Thank you!

  12. This is an awesome poem❤❤thank you for sharing. Me, I haven’t been having it great recently either. I’ve been having the birthday blues for a while even though it’s almost a month since my birthday passed. I read in a bible plan to worship through it tho and I started doing that yesterday. I’m not happy yet but I’m way less sad

    1. Sorry to hear the birthday blues have been hitting you. I feel that way around the time of my birthday too. I’m glad the Bible is helping, continue to read it and worship through it. Thanks so much ❤

  13. Hey, I so relate! My mental health has been SO bad this week. It’s okay to just take a break and relax. Sending you lots of healing thoughts. XX!

  14. My friend, never apologize for being authentic and genuine, there’s so little of it in our world now. It’s part of the reason I appreciate you and your post. Your bravery needs to be cheered, not explained. Everyone struggles mentally at times in their life for a plethora of reasons, and few admit or reach out for help in fear of being further stigmatized or marginalized. Feel free to email me anytime you wish. You may well be doing ne a great service as well. My beliefs are for me to live by, not measure or judge others with. Be blessed.

    1. Thanks so much. The reason I want to be honest on this blog is because I feel like there is so little authenticity these days especially online. I very much appreciate your lovely comment and will definitely keep you in mind if I need to talk to someone.

  15. Like you, I’ve been struggling lately but then it’s understandable with a chaotic world outside to deal with on top of medical and mental health issues.
    In my case I’m getting better at accepting this and not beating myself up for it. I’m definitely not comparing myself to anyone else, although I do empathise.
    We are who we are, and we don’t need to change for anyone else but ourselves if we choose, it’s that simple.
    Love and light to you xx♥️♥️

    1. Thanks so much. It’s definitely difficult to deal with your mental health as well as everything else in life. However we need to put our health first.
      Couldn’t agree with you more 💕

  16. Have you gotten an official diagnosis from someone in mental health and have you checked in with them in the past year? You might want to check in with actual mental health doctor if not. Some of the symptoms are potentially showing a dual diagnosis possibility. https://www.premierhealth.com/your-health/articles/women-wisdom-wellness-/anxiety-depression-stress-why-the-differences-matter It is hard and sometimes both conditions co-exist. I hope that you are taking care of yourself and not getting ill.

    1. Yes, both my diagnoses of anxiety and depression were made by a psychiatrist. I checked up last in December but I also booked an appointment with a therapist yesterday for Monday just in case something is wrong and just because I think it’s good to talk to someone when I’m feeling like this. Thanks so much for your insights. I know you’ve worked in the field and your comments are always thoughtful.

      1. Rather refer someone than let it go. Wish you the best with your continued journey in mental health. Not an easy ride.

  17. My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression. As her mother I suffer along with her when she isn’t doing well. I think she’s around your age. I see a lot of early to mid-20 year olds having a difficult time lately. Know that you’re not alone.

    1. Thank you. Yes I am 25 and also see a lot of people my age suffering from mental health issues. It’s very sad but it helps to know I’m not alone and that there are ways to feel better. Negative feelings aren’t permanent and it helps to remember that during depressive episodes.

  18. I feel for you of this post describes what you are feeling: that’s dark stuff. I understand it, been there.
    When I read this, I hear a song : the song of deep depression. It’s not who you are; it’s the disease talking. I hope you get professional help to get our of there.
    As for me: nowhere near what your blogger friend describes, but not great. Lots of emotional flashbacks. This shall pass, it always does. Take care.

    1. Thank you. It’s definitely difficult but I’ve already booked an appointment with my therapist for next week so hopefully that will help. I’m also meditating more which has really helped at the moment. Take care too.

  19. Sorry to hear that you’re having a rough week Pooja. I know that my own anxiety or depression always got so much worse when I was exhausted, because of course we struggle with getting good sleep or taking the time to eat properly! I learned to implement the rock-solid rule to check in with myself in those areas first.

    I take extra vitamins and supplements, paying attention to Vitamin C and B-complex because when the B’s get low in our system, our anxieties and depressions get worse! Same with Magnesium! (Careful with that one, it acts as a laxative!) I take extra CBD capsules throughout the day to nourish my cannabinoid system and take them at night to help me sleep. If I wake up at the night I take more. Generally 2 x 15mg capsules every 4 hours. That works for me. Sometimes I take 3 at a time when I’m really down or crashing!

    If your appetite is down, focus on nutritionally dense foods! Take a day to just take extra-super care of yourself! Speak kindly to yourself, and practice suspending judgment, for our own negative self-talk can send us down that rabbit hole!

    You’re on this! I believe in you!

    1. Thanks so much!

      I think it was the lack of sleep which was making things worse. I’ve been very busy lately and I feel like I’m not getting as much sleep as I should be getting.

      I also started taking more CBD oil which helped and I’ll definitely look into the supplements as they may help me too. Thanks so much for sharing that.

      1. Yes, exhaustion can creep up on us and then our symptoms manifest full blown grabbing our attention. When I had googled “b-complex + depression” and “magnesium + depression” I was amazed at what I had found.

        Keep taking extra care of yourself!

  20. That’s me this week and I’m feeling spiritually and emotionally fatigued. It hasn’t been a great one…My anxiety is even active as I’m sleeping. Going through so much and always trying to be positive and hopeful is not easy. I am tired and I feel you when you say mental illness feels like a life imprisonment one that you can’t explain to a functioning individual. I sometimes have to remind myself that I’m not chemically balanced so I must be easy on myself. I hope you are feeling better Pooja…

    1. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling as well and yes it is tough to stay positive in such moments. I hope things look up for you soon and I hope you know that these negative emotions never last forever. Thanks, I’m better now and hope you are too.

  21. I hope you find a therapist you connect with and feel is helpful and also continue with therapy not just a one time thing. I am thankful for my therapist.

  22. I am sorry you have been having trouble sleeping — that is one of my top triggers – one night without a good sleep is OK but two is a warning. I also hope your new therapist is helpful to you. Is the crying cathartic or not? I know sometimes a good cry is a good thing? But maybe not this time?
    Sending well wishes your way.

    1. Thanks. Yeah sleeping issues always make me feel worse. I hope the therapist is helpful too. She seems lovely so far.
      The crying is sometimes cathartic and sometimes not. I guess it depends.
      Thanks again.

  23. Thank you for this~ You are an inspiration and I walk with you as we face the challenges within our mind and heart. Sending peace and light 💕🕊💕

  24. I don’t like hearing “recovered from depression…”. For many, including myself, there is no recovery…there is management and it’s constant.

  25. Sending prayers for you. stay connecting with positive people and stand in front of mirror and smile. U will feel better when u see ur happy face in the mirror.

  26. Pooja, feeling this way is a sign of intelligence, nothing less and nothing more. Probably 98% of humans have some disorder listed in the APA handbook. However, we have to recognize the limits to our knowledge. We know that change is inevitable. Nothing stands still and the past is just a memory. We don’t know if current trends are permanent or if there will be a change tomorrow that will make current suffering tolerable. We don’t know if there is some kind of super power looking down on us, and if so, what kinky sense of humor she has. We do know that we are responsible for our own attitudes and whether we choose to focus on positive or negative. How good each day is reflects how good we choose to make it because we are managing inner feelings and not external reality. The fact that we all die shouldn’t be allowed to diminish the joys we find on the way there. Just saying.

      1. I’ve had decades of dealing with depression and anxiety, sometimes dealing with it well and other times not so much. Are you familiar with the book, The Artists’ Way? That approach to creative blockage actually can be quite valuable.

  27. You said what I want to say, at least for certain period of time. And the feeling of isolation is very common in the immigrant community here, though nobody believes mental health issues even exist, and sadly giving in to nostalgia cannot cure isolation. I tried to get rid of it or imagine myself improving so much that I no longer have it, but i realized that’s a wishful thinking. I can only manage the mess and may never sort things out.

    1. I think mental health problems are much too common in immigration communities. It’s the same for immigrant South Asian communities too. No one wants to acknowledge their issues even though they are so clearly there.

      1. So true. The mental issue is certainly more severe in immigrant communities since the relatives and extended family and friends are no longer there to provide the support network. And the insecurity go up through the roof. Glad that everybody is working so hard so that you don’t stop to think.

        1. Yes, it’s hard starting over in a new country with no friends and family and assimilating is rarely easy for immigrants.

  28. It is good to express one’s feeling and be honest like u did in the post. Love your honesty and transparency. May the lord strengthen you. All will be fine

  29. Pooja, thank you for sharing. You are not alone here. Since April, I’ve been experiencing anxiety and panic attacks too. And have affected my hobbies too. Which is why, I haven’t been active here a lot. I hope you (and I) would get through it and emerge triumphant on the other side!

    I appreciate your honesty in this post.

  30. I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling depressed or having anxiety lately. I know the feeling all too well. I’ve had mental health issues since I was a kid, and I’m 44 now. It has affected every aspect of my life. I cope by making art and fractals, and by writing poetry. Also, I have a very supportive husband and two cats who are an endless source of comfort and entertainment. I feel that having a creative outlet is very important for everyone, especially those that have mental illnesses. Writing your blog posts and poetry is an excellent choice for you. Thanks for speaking about this. I wish you the best.

    1. Thanks so much. Yes, I think a creative outlet can do wonders for us. Art and writing has helped me a ton. And my cat of course, haha. There are always cats. Thanks for sharing your experience too. It always helps to know you’re not alone.

  31. Mental illness can feel like a life sentence. Whatever grounds you and helps you to feel good, that is where it’s at. Since these things are often cyclical, I try (and this is me) and remember that even at my worst, there is something that keeps me going. And, that is that I am alive. Best wishes for a good week this week!

  32. I very much enjoyed your blog! You recently showed some love to my page so I thought I would check yours out. I love how you make it personal. I feel like I know you and I have never even met you. It’s very comforting to read your page especially coming from someone who feels a lot of anxiety and has struggles just like I do. I felt a warm welcome from you and can’t wait to see what else you post!

    1. Thanks so much for stopping by too! I try to share things honestly and keep it real so that people feel like they’re not alone. I’m glad it’s comforting!

  33. I like your poem – yeah anxiety does feel like that at times. We have good days and bad days. I spent 3 hrs 15 on the phone to a tech help centre, full credit to their patience, but everything they suggested to get Amazon to talk to my Kindle, hit a wall. Finally, I’d had enough, and ended the call. I’ve since worked it out with further help from friends, but the whole process was exhausting.
    When things get too hard or too much, I reach for Bach Flower remedies. Have a look online, I swear by them, they have kept me sane for decades.

    1. Thank you. I’m sorry to hear about your experience. Unfortunately, these things do happen and they can be awful to experience.
      I’ll check Bach Flower out. Thank you so much for the experience. I so appreciate that.

  34. We all definitely have our good days and bad. What helps me to remain calm is prayer. 1 Peter 5:7-While you throw all your anxiety on him,(God) because he cares for you.

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