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The Life & Ramblings Of A Zillennial

Allowing Myself To Feel Again

On my last post, I talked a little bit about how narcissistic behaviour from a family member has affected my life. And today I want to share a little more about that but perhaps a more positive aspect of my healing journey. Yes, I still have bad days but I’m also in a much better place than I was and that is something worth talking about. I wanted to use this post to talk about how I am finally allowing myself to feel again.

For the longest time, I was forced to put myself and my feelings on the back burner because I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to trigger my narcissistic sibling. In fact, I didn’t realise at the time but I had shut down so much of myself in the process.

Like with what happened the other day that really upset me, back in the day I would have blamed myself, I would have called my justified reaction an overreaction, I would have even apologised. But not anymore. I will no longer be apologising for my emotions. If someone hurts you, if someone tries to manipulate those around them, blame others for their shortcomings, I’m allowed to get upset, I’m allowed to get angry, and I’m allowed to defend myself.

Allowing myself to feel again means feeling the negative emotions as well. But that’s okay. They’re there for a reason. I never want to be numb again.

Have you ever dealt with a narcissist?

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P. J. Gudka

86 responses to “Allowing Myself To Feel Again”

  1. Willie Torres Jr. Avatar
    Willie Torres Jr.

    I think sometimes we try so hard to keep the peace that we forget our own feelings matter too. I’m still learning that it’s okay to feel what I feel and bring those emotions to God instead of pretending everything is okay.
    I Pray that you find the Peace and Calm that you deserve..🙏

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      I agree, it’s important to take our emotions into account too. Thanks so much 🙏

      Reply
  2. Carol anne Avatar
    Carol anne

    Unfortunately, yes, I have, not a pleasant experience, I’m glad your allowing yourself to feel, feeling leads to healing! Xox

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Sorry you’ve experienced this too and yes it’s definitely one of the steps to healing!

      Reply
  3. ianscyberspace Avatar
    ianscyberspace

    I’ve certainly seen it exhibited in the husband of a close relative. Very manipulative and destructive.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Sorry to hear that, people like that are very hard to be around.

      Reply
  4. L.G. Avatar
    L.G.

    Great post, you’re doing great, so many people deal with folks like that, thanks for sharing.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thanks so much. Yes, unfortunately most of us know people like that.

      Reply
  5. Goin' the extra...aaamile Avatar
    Goin’ the extra…aaamile

    Try living with a schizophrenic off meds, again…same situation (sibling) still a narcissist is still worse. We’re all 3 targets (mom, dad n me verbally) n in no certain terms I’ve said it: “it would be better if you were dead” yes being harassed mentally made me say that and I don’t regret it one bit.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      I’m so sorry, that’s awful. I can’t imagine how tough that is but I can relate. I think when someone ruins our life continuously we’re bound to snap.

      Reply
      1. Goin' the extra...aaamile Avatar
        Goin’ the extra…aaamile

        Yes, these are regular people taken over by weird complex disorders. Do u hate the person or the ‘thing’ attached to them? Difficult choice – but since the two cannot be disassociated, you’d rather let go of the person totally.

        Reply
        1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
          P. J. Gudka

          Exactly, very well put. I think at our core we love them to an extent but due to their behaviour we can’t love them unconditionally and it’s best for everyone to keep our distance from them.

          Reply
  6. shivatje Avatar
    shivatje

    🙏🌹

    Aum Shanti

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      🙏🙏

      Reply
  7. Jake Avatar
    Jake

    When you are conditioned at a young age, just not just by your siblings or parents, it’s hard to break it. I still struggle daily. I don’t know if I’m healing, but I give myself credit for seeing the pattern, within my family and with my other relationships.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      I agree, it’s very difficult to break free from it. Seeing the patterns and recognising that makes a big difference. It’s a step in the right direction.

      Reply
      1. Jake Avatar
        Jake

        Then those you are close too often react like you are rejecting them, but you are really starting to understand that you also gave to look after your own peace.

        Reply
        1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
          P. J. Gudka

          People that are used to you having no boundaries sometimes see your boundaries as a personal slight. Yes, our lives become way more peaceful when we focus on our wellbeing.

          Reply
  8. thomasstigwikman Avatar
    thomasstigwikman

    I have not dealth with a narcissist in the family. That must be terrible because you have to be around them. However, I have encountered people with huge egos who sometimes mistreat other people horribly without a shred of remorse. They don’t respect the rights of others. They think of themselves as important and even heroes, and they are fake, pompous and dishonest, and others are afraid of them. I’ve seen that in the Swedish army and in the workplace too.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Unfortunately, people like that are everywhere. Some people are extremely entitled and think they always know best. Very hard to be around people like that.

      Reply
  9. Lokesh Avatar
    Lokesh

    Can’t say much on this here.
    Family problems have deeper fundamental roots. Aspirations also change from person to person.

    Getting heard is important. Unless we don’t talk/present ourselves in an open manner it is hard to resolve the issues within a common living place.
    There is no point of dealing with the ignorant people though. They don’t care.

    Calm down yourself when you feel like taking a break or pause. Give yourself some space.
    Try keeping yourself happy somehow if it works (don’t force).
    Again… PEACE.🌱🌻

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      That’s the thing, some people will never change so all we can do is change ourselves and learn to accept them as they are. Which of course is harder said than done.

      Thanks so much 🙏

      Reply
  10. katiemiafrederick Avatar
    katiemiafrederick

    In touch with all Your Emotions
    DarK Thru LiGHT Yes With
    Self Felt Freedom to

    Express them all
    For Constructive

    Change if Only
    Your Inhaling
    Peace Exhaling
    Love Life Breathes

    With
    SMiLes
    Dear Pooja..:)

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Yes, it’s like self freedom. Thanks so much!

      Reply
      1. katiemiafrederick Avatar
        katiemiafrederick

        Welcome Dear
        Pooja With
        SMiles☺️🙌

        Reply
  11. Aptivi Avatar
    Aptivi

    I’m happy to hear you’re doing better than before, Pooja. Give yourself some space and try to calm down when you need to take a break. You’re allowed to express your emotions your way.

    Take care! ☺️

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thank you so much, really appreciate it! ☺️

      Reply
      1. Aptivi Avatar
        Aptivi

        You’re most welcome! ☺️

        Reply
  12. byngnigel Avatar
    byngnigel

    I have learned to spaak.my mind. Was always a pacifist, trying to keep the peace. Just made things worse. Good on you for standing up for yourself.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Holding it all in makes us feel worse, it’s best to speak our mind. Glad you’re doing that too. Thanks so much.

      Reply
  13. Sadje Avatar
    Sadje

    This is a better way to deal with such people.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Yeah, it’s best to say what we need to and keep our distance.

      Reply
      1. Sadje Avatar
        Sadje

        Very right fl dear friend. Hugs

        Reply
  14. Eugi Avatar
    Eugi

    I’m glad you’re feeling better, Pooja. Holding your feelings inside is not healthy. You’ve taken the first step toward healing. Hold your head up high, and be who you are meant to be.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Absolutely, I think holding all those feelings in does more harm than good. Thank you so much.

      Reply
      1. Eugi Avatar
        Eugi

        You’re welcome, Pooja.

        Reply
  15. cupcakecache Avatar
    cupcakecache

    It is so healthy to be honest. Sometimes I am annoyed when family tells me something and then I realize that I am lucky a few of them are honest with me, so I know what is going on. I will be attending the memorial in November for my nephew. We spoke for awhile on the phone yesterday and I will bring some sweets. She told me something which made me very uncomfortable regarding my first novel, “The Bayou Heist.” I told my husband and he said, “Be glad she is honest.” That was that and then I went about my business. Sometimes people can be very narrow minded but in the end you can’t change who they are only how you handle things. I don’t have a lot of family in the area, so I will be as open as needed and listen.

    Reply
    1. cupcakecache Avatar
      cupcakecache

      My husband made me laugh by saying sarcastically, “Why are you writing about clouds and dark storms? Why not sunshine and light? That is so…..” strange.

      Reply
      1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
        P. J. Gudka

        Haha, that’s nice of him to make you laugh.

        Reply
        1. cupcakecache Avatar
          cupcakecache

          Yeah, he kind of calls it out and he was right.

          Reply
        2. cupcakecache Avatar
          cupcakecache

          Good Reads read the review blogger and took it down. They read my first novel “The Bayou Heist” and felt it was inaccurate and kind of misinformation. I appreciated them doing that.

          Reply
          1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
            P. J. Gudka

            That’s good. I don’t know why people leave such negative reviews especially when it comes to books by indie authors.

            Reply
            1. cupcakecache Avatar
              cupcakecache

              Yes, I agree. I don’t believe this blogger even read my novel. I think she saw one thing she did not like and said something ugly. I am glad Good Reads noted that it was a type of slander and attack and they erased it.

              Reply
              1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
                P. J. Gudka

                Some people do that, I think it stems from jealousy maybe.

                Reply
                1. cupcakecache Avatar
                  cupcakecache

                  It was a very disheartening. Even though I received many excellent reviews. If she did not like the book, instead of personally attacking me, I would have appreciated how she felt I could write a better novel. Thank you. And it made me leery of bloggers and intentions as she was on WordPress. Hence, I am grateful you took the time to read my second novel and liked my novel.

                  Reply
                  1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
                    P. J. Gudka

                    One of the cons of being online is that we bump into people like that and sometimes it can be anxiety inducing. But it’s best to focus on our writing and ignore the unnecessarily negative comments. I was happy to read your book, I think it was really interesting and well written.

                    Reply
                    1. cupcakecache Avatar
                      cupcakecache

                      Thank you so much! She was talking about my debut novel “The Bayou Heist”. I should just let it go and I am but yes, it is best to focus on writing and producing the second novel did that. I prevailed.

                    2. P. J. Gudka Avatar
                      P. J. Gudka

                      Exactly, her review thankfully got taken down and that shows that it wasn’t legit. Goodreads rarely takes down reviews even if they are negative.

                    3. cupcakecache Avatar
                      cupcakecache

                      You are more savvy than myself with social media! Thank you for affirming what I believed to be true!! I hope you have the opportunity to read The Bayou Heist one day and let me know what you think. I know you stay very busy, but I do appreciate all your support and tidbits about all.

                    4. P. J. Gudka Avatar
                      P. J. Gudka

                      Will do, I’m excited to read it when I take a break and get some more time to read!

    2. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      It’s so true, I think it’s important to be honest and accept when others are honest with you as well. I think sometimes we get a bit defensive but you would rather people are honest than that they coddle you.

      Reply
      1. cupcakecache Avatar
        cupcakecache

        Well, it seemed a little narrow minded that she had only read one bad review of my first novel and choose to put it down. Since we know each other families well and she knows me, I was surprised that one review did this and she followed like a sheep instead of reading all the reviews and taking a chance on me. I was disappointed in her reaction. She hasn’t been entirely truthful about a few family things but perhaps this will open the door.

        Reply
        1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
          P. J. Gudka

          That sucks but I think what a lot of us authors learn is that not there’s always going to be people in our personal life that choose not to support our writing. When people behave like that and read too much into one bad review or go out of their way to put you down it probably says more about them than you and I think sometimes it stems from jealousy.

          Reply
          1. cupcakecache Avatar
            cupcakecache

            Yes, it stems from a few things. She is my brother’s ex-wife and there is a lot going on. My thought is that she did not read it and was lazy and just decided to justify it by saying this. However, we still have to get along as she was the mother of my nephew. Lots going on there. Thank you for your response!

            Reply
            1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
              P. J. Gudka

              Of course, it’s more complicated with family members as our lives are always intertwined. You’re most welcome!

              Reply
              1. cupcakecache Avatar
                cupcakecache

                Thank you! It is like a novel of fiction but unfortunately the back story is true. It is very messy and I am unsure what to do but I support his mom.

                Reply
  16. Cindy Georgakas Avatar
    Cindy Georgakas

    It’s so great you are in touch with your feelings Pooja so you can hold yourself lovingly and compassionately. It’s always the first step towards healing but never comfortable but vital! Good for you! Thanks for sharing. I know well all of those feelings! Hugs 🤗 💕💓💕

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thank you so much! Hugs! 🤗💕

      Reply
      1. Cindy Georgakas Avatar
        Cindy Georgakas

        HUGS BACK! XX

        Reply
  17. RasmaSandra Avatar
    RasmaSandra

    My best friend’s husband was the wrost. All was about him. He drove her into affairs and then when she died unexpectedly he told me that finally he realized he had really loved her,

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      That’s so sad, unfortunately a lot of people are that way and don’t realise what they have till it’s too late.

      Reply
  18. Wynne Leon Avatar
    Wynne Leon

    Oh, I love this wisdom, “Allowing myself to feel again means feeling the negative emotions as well. But that’s okay. They’re there for a reason. I never want to be numb again.” That’s so good, Pooja! Yes, I’ve had a narcissist in my life – it’s mind bending. Good for you for letting yourself feel and grow.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thank you! Urgh so sorry you dealt with a narcissist too, they truly drain the life out of us. But we also learn important lessons so at least there’s that.

      Reply
  19. Stephanie Avatar
    Stephanie

    Little bit of a theme in my reading here and elsewhere this morning. “using my voice” and “allowing myself to feel” are so closely related. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve passed the days where it was possible to truly recover all feeling, all voice, but then I see that I’m here writing in solidarity! <3

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Some days are harder but our voice is always there even if it’s a little distorted at times!

      Reply
      1. Stephanie Avatar
        Stephanie

        Yes, there are those who can hear us, even when the ones who ‘should be’ closest cannot.

        Reply
        1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
          P. J. Gudka

          Very true.

          Reply
  20. clcouch123 Avatar
    clcouch123

    What you say is inspirational. Defending oneself is an aspect of allowing oneself, and allowing oneself is vital. And I wish everyone could have a perspective considering what is in addition to oneself. Not to destroy the self but to complete it. When I encounter someone who can only think of self-concern, then I mostly wait for the interaction to be over. So two healthy parts of self-health–self permission and awareness in addition to the self. If I may say, thank you for the wisdom!

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thank you so much! Definitely, I think finding our voice and saying what you need to is so vital. And people who are only self-serving/self-concerned are exhausting so I understand. They are not someone anyone wants to be around much.

      Reply
  21. Dawn Avatar
    Dawn

    Huge strides forward in taking care of you, Pooja! 💞 Sorry for the bad days, but glad you see them for who they are and that you aren’t the one to blame.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thank you so much! Yes, I’m glad I finally took off the rose-coloured glasses.

      Reply
  22. A & J PEI Treasures/E Jean Simpson, BEd, BA, MA Avatar
    A & J PEI Treasures/E Jean Simpson, BEd, BA, MA

    That’s good that you are learning so much.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thanks so much.

      Reply
  23. JR Avatar
    JR

    So sorry you have to deal with that, hang in there, excellent post & powerful realizations there.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thanks so much, really appreciate it.

      Reply
  24. Carol Avatar
    Carol

    I think you are right to tune into your own feelings and put them first. I’ve been slowly coming to this conclusion. It’s fine to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but bending over backwards for someone who is toxic is not in the same category. Taking care of you first, means taking care of one your loved ones’ best caregivers.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      I completely agree, bending over backwards for people who never appreciate you just leaves you exhausted and resentful. Focusing on ourselves is really important and those that genuinely love us will respect our boundaries.

      Reply
  25. SiriusSea Avatar
    SiriusSea

    Awe !!! First = Congratulations on your second novel in the making (I can’t wait to read it; your first was PERFECT) !!

    I’m the youngest and I can say now my older sister is a malignant narcissist towards me and my brother. My brother would quite literally duck out the back if she was ever around (lol) and to this day, won’t speak or have any communication with her. My dad said, if ever he heard her laugh, it would terrify him, thinking she was “doing” something to either one of us. She was and did!

    Over the years, I have seen you shine and you are only going up! Siblings would naturally feel moments or twinges of jealousy but honestly your sibling should be happy for you, not the other way around! Should only build you up and never tear you down.

    Now, I don’t see them, and I have become more isolated and introverted (lol), but more me than ever! It’s not only okay for you to be your awesome self but enjoy the weirdness that is uniquely you and surround yourself with souls who acknowledge your worth !!

    Love (( <3 )) to you ~ always 🙂 (& your pics from the other post are gorgeous = regal !!!)

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thank you so much!!

      Oh no, I’m so sorry you experienced something similar. Growing up with a sibling like that is truly awful, it sucks the fun out of childhood and makes it difficult for us as adults too. I’m glad you two got away from her and are able to embrace being yourself as you are!

      Thank you, it was so fun taking those pics! ☺️

      Reply
  26. mylittlehawk Avatar
    mylittlehawk

    That’s a huge step in the journey – to not internalize their doings, and to let go of the guilt that doesn’t belong to you in the first place!

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thank you! Yes, I think it feels much lighter to have let go of so much of the guilt and internalisation.

      Reply
      1. mylittlehawk Avatar
        mylittlehawk

        Glad you found the way of of that. It brings more peace 🤗

        Reply
  27. Mary K. Doyle Avatar
    Mary K. Doyle

    I’m sorry, Pooja. I know how it feels to get physically sickened by one who emits angry energy. For me, salvation came when I learned how to distance myself from him and others like that.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Yeah, I think with people like that creating distance is the only way. Thank you so much.

      Reply
  28. K. Ravindra Avatar
    K. Ravindra

    What an inspiring thought. Protecting ourselves begins with allowing ourselves to be who we are.

    Reply
    1. P. J. Gudka Avatar
      P. J. Gudka

      Thank you so much. Yes, it starts with protecting ourselves.

      Reply

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