The Monster Inside

The monster inside me

Claws at my skin

Waiting to be free

It eats away at my soul

And grows stronger every day

Until it has finally overpowered me

And I am no longer myself

I am the monster inside me


I recently heard about the tragic death of Stephen Boss who was more popularly known as tWitch. His death was a result of suicide. I remember seeing him on The Ellen Show all the time and had no idea he suffered from depression or any other mental health problems. However, that is absolutely what depression is like. Often we don’t realise a person is suffering until it’s too late. I hope everyone can take a minute to really check in on friends and family to make sure they are okay. Because you never know who is struggling. My heart goes out to tWitch’s wife and children because depression/suicide does not just effect the victims it effects everyone around them too.

I suffer from depression myself and there have been times when finding a reason to stay alive was not easy. I’m much better now but I do occasionally have moments when I feel really down. And that is what inspired “The Monster Inside.” When you are at your lowest it’s easy for your depression to takeover. Even when you know you’re loved it can make you feel like you’re all alone. I hope anyone reading this that is suffering from depression or any mental health problems chooses to seek help or at least talk to close friends/family instead of giving up.

If anyone out there is going through something and needs someone to talk to please don’t hesitate to reach out to me via email or social media. I tend to be more active on email so that would be the fastest way to reach me.

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108 thoughts on “The Monster Inside

  1. Please, take good care of you, Pooja! The poem is too creepy for me. There is a TV show here called Monsters Inside Me or something close to that, another program I won’t watch!

  2. Yes, it is very sad. Depression, stress, and anxiety are silent killers. You never can know when someone is suffering from depression unless they say they are, but I hate what happened. I have been suffering with depression stress, and anxiety for many years. It is not easy to pretend to be happy when you are reeling on the inside. Just by looking at someone, you would never know they are suffering. I pray for strength for his family, and that God will be with them to help them through this dark time. If there is anyone suffering from depression, please get help. There are so many resources now. Thanks for sharing. Have a great week. Merry Christmas.

    1. Absolutely, so often people don’t even realise someone is struggling with their mental health until something like this happens. I really wish more people would get help instead of resorting to suicide but I know it’s now always available and even when it is it may not always prevent suicide. Have a great week too and Merry Christmas.

      1. This is what I would like to do: I want all of us to post a prayer for everyone who struggles with depression, stress, and anxiety. We cannot let the enemy win any longer. Prayer is powerful, and it works. Let me know what you think about it.

  3. It’s heartbreaking to see that another person did not make it through those dark moments. In the case of celebrities, we feel affected because their art accompanied us in some way. At the same time, there are so many others whose names we will never know.

    Let’s reach out to each other and make sure we know.

    Much Love and take care, Pooja.
    I promise, I do, too.

    1. I absolutely agree. So many people we don’t know take their lives every day. I really hope that one day there is more that can be done for people with mental health problems.

      Yes, absolutely. Reaching out is so important.

      Thank you so much.

  4. Oh my God. I just went to confirm. He’s really gone💔💔
    People are really going through a lot within, I hope that people can be kinder to each other cause we never know

  5. Great write up. I just learned tonight about him and was so sad! I been following him since he danced on a dancing show back in 2010? Anyway, I been living depression myself since my son died 2 years ago. Even before that though I still had my moments. Love to you pooja!

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  7. Beautiful message and poem Pooja. The more we open up the more we inspire others to do the same the more we all feel better. Stronger together. Thank you for being part of the good fight 🙏

  8. I never knew tWitch, but when I heard of his death and that it was a suicide, I felt that. Heartbreaking 💔
    And I felt your poem really communicated what it’s like to live with a messed up mental health, great job!

  9. Sad to hear about Twitch!!
    Sometimes I feel how easy it is to end self’s life.
    I mean, we die and leave so many things behind.
    But then, ending self’s life is hard, cause we are living so many things behind. I’m sure we think of those things, but then still we choose to end our agony.
    .
    Twitch, must be a lot of pressure, he ended his life, but he must have thought about his children and wife and their future. But, his agony was greater than that. 😶
    .
    About you, I don’t know what to say dear Pooja. I can never know what you felt and what you feel sometimes. But, as you said you are available on e-mails for others, I want to say I’m always available for you. And I’m not saying this to my most favourite blogger LIFESFINEWHINE, but I’m saying this to the person whom I respect a lot, a precious community member and a dear friend (well I consider you a friend, if you don’t it’s your choice 😅).
    Doing this first time, but sending you some hugs my dear friend 🤗.
    Feel free to drop text on IG or mail or LinkedIn.
    You know how garrulous I can be sometimes, I would love to have a chat.

    1. Yes, the news about tWitch is quite sad. I’m sure it was difficult for him to decide to no longer live in this world but his pain must have been greater than anything.
      .
      Thank you so much. I definitely consider you a friend too and I really appreciate that.

      1. Suicide is such a major decision. I wonder what people go through during that time. Must be very hard. As people, we need to observe very closely on people around us. Little change of attitude, mood, sleep patterns etc, could mean something devastating. Thanks for sharing this. Your blog also brings awareness. More conversation is needed in this regard. Thanks for creating this.

  10. WellsFiction

    I’m so sad to hear this. Twitch seem like such an amazing person and so happy. Depression is sickening and sad. Always reach out to others. I know it can be so difficult, yet so important. Thank you for posting this, friend. I pray you have many blessings and joy ahead of you. And thank you for being a light in my own darkness 🙂

    1. I know what you mean, I was so shocked too. Depression is so difficult to deal with and a lot of times people don’t even realise when it affects someone. Thank you so much and you as well 🙂

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  12. Your poem is profound Pooja and we have to be careful not to feed the monster but like you said when you are really down it’s tough. Glad you are doing better!
    So sad about Stephen Boss and so many others this year. 💞

  13. Depression is real but it mostly happens because we are too attached with things around us. True happiness cannot be found OUTSIDE it is WITHIN ourself. Do things without expecting anything in return and also try to find our inner happiness. Meditation can help here. Try to do it 2 times a day. I hope you find true happiness and wont get depressed again.

    1. Thanks. Yes, it can sometimes be due to people not being satisfied with their life but it’s a lot more complicated than that. Firstly, depression is not just a mental illness it’s a physical one too. It can be caused by things such as thyroid issues, chemical imbalances in the brain and more. These things can not simply be solved by changing our way of thinking. Even if you are living the perfect life, depression can still strike. I hope that helps you better understand how depression works and what some causes are.

  14. This is just as tragic as Robin Williams committing suicide. Also, at this time of year, it’s really important to address mental health problems. There can be too much toxic positivity around the holidays. Take care!

    1. I agree, both deaths have been so devastating. Yes, the holidays do worsen many peoples mental health and toxic positivity just makes them feel invalidated.

  15. This is such a great post for raising awareness. Such an important cause, and that monster can arrive in all of us. It isn’t something we get control over, although have the opportunity to make choices to better manage our situation 🙂

  16. Thank you for writing another awesome article to help readers like myself, you know I do fine on the holidays even Christmas with my own anxiety and depression. What I noticed is after the holidays are over is when it hits me, do you think this is strange?

    Wish you to stay happy n healthy

    1. That’s interesting since most people seem to experience mental health issues during the holidays. It could be that you feel drained after Christmas and that effects your mental health.

                    1. Wow, that’s quite cold. I sort of miss it though, I loved it when I was living in Canada. It’s quite warm in Kenya as it usually is. A bit rainy though.

  17. Mental issues are killing us silently since they often don’t have the “normal” manifestation like a physical illness. And I also want to add to what you said here that a person’s depression is not only influencing himself or herself. It has a circle of influence, which means people around him will be affected too. Let’s really communicate and bond and contact each other more to help each other through … I know it is easy said than done since we are creatures of habit. If we were brought up not communicating out innermost thoughts, it is hard for us to open up, but it is something worth trying. Also we need to protect ourselves when opening up too… So it is a difficult balancing act…

    1. I agree, mental illnesses are often not visible like physical ones. It’s hard to tell when someone is suffering from a mental illness. I agree, it’s important to actually get to know each other but like you said it’s not that easy. It’s definitely quite a balancing act because not everyone is trustworthy. And some people can use it against you.

  18. Good poem. I too sometimes, maybe a little to more than I should fight with the monster inside me. When he pushes, I push back. Thankfully he has never won completely over me. As for Twitch, it’s so sad that his monster beat him in the battle.

  19. I know many others who suffer with this scourge. It is very real. Medications can help speed up recovery but to be free of it requires a lifestyle change in many circumstances though for some its a lifetime struggle.

  20. Thank you, Pooja, for this wonderful story. It is truly what depression is like! We have to make time to truly listen to those around us, especially if we know they are struggling and even if we don’t.

    A couple of days ago I was on a Young Living zoom meeting while trying to finish the last two minutes of a sappy Christmas movie when Child #3 sat down beside me on the couch. After trying to jiggle it all, I realized what was important, logged off the meeting, paused the movie, and turned to him and gave him my full attention. His issues came pouring out and he felt better in just about 15 minutes. Now, if I had not taken the time, I don’t know what time would have happened, but I assure you, it would not have been good.

    Take the time. Listen. Even if you don’t think you have the time; they may not.

  21. This year especially for the past few months, I’ve struggled with depression because of the situation I find myself with my mom and the only thing that kept me hopeful is that I am actively working towards getting out of it with friends who support me. I am 26 and its so difficult for me to understand why I can’t make my own choices. I am very positive that this is temporary and the sun will shine again.

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