Drowning In The Memories Of You

Drowning In The Memories Of You

Drowning in the memories of you. I wake up each morning, gasping for air. My hands reaching out. But there’s nothing there. I can still smell you on the other side of my bedsheets. I can still hear your laugh as we lay besides one another. Those perfect moments. When did they end? I never remember the exact moment you turned into a monster. I just remember when I lay on the floor, afraid that this would be my last breath. Knowing that if I survived, my only option was to run. I want to hate you and yet I’m never able to. I still can’t see you as the monster you are, just as the lover you once were. Leaving was the best decision I ever made, but a small part of me will always long for what we once had. Even if the foundation was nothing but an illusion you created.

About “Drowning In The Memories Of You”:

“Drowning In The Memories Of You” started out as a poem but I prefer it more as it is. Sort of like a stream of consciousness monologue. Interestingly, I only wrote this after seeing the image. I was searching for an image for a different poem last week and came across this one and instantly this came to me.

It’s about trauma bonding which is sometimes confused with Stockholm Syndrome. Anyway, I always hear people say “why didn’t you just leave?” to victims. But the truth is that it’s so much more complicated than that. It’s rarely possible for victims to “just leave.” Not only due to physical and financial reasons but due to psychological reasons too.

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82 responses to “Drowning In The Memories Of You”

  1. This made me feel not so alone today, thank you for sharing.

    1. I’m really happy to hear that. You’re most definitely not alone.

    2. You are not alone, there are people who care about you.

  2. Very relatable

    1. Thanks and sorry you experienced that. It sucks to be in a relationship like that.

      1. Likewise, my friend

  3. Beautifully written PG!!

    A great job as always

    1. Thanks so much!

  4. Yes, I can definitely see how that picture could inspire those words.

    1. Thanks so much 💖

  5. This would be good put to music.. and what you said about not being able to leave, a lot of people dont understand it but happens all the time.

    1. Thank you. Absolutely, it happens much more than we realise and leaving is rarely an easy option for victims.

  6. Very well said. No one can understand what it really is but the person who’s going through the things.

    1. Exactly, we can never fully understand unless we experience it.

  7. Trauma bonding teaches its victims almost everything about victimhood state of mind and nothing about what love really is. Its a cult like indoctrination of brokenness. Even the abusers self love is an illusion. Victims often reconnect with their abusers in person or by phone out of need of “reset” back to their default (mindset) roles, which is a false understanding of normalcy for them. It becomes the true hidden legacy of abuse past down from one generation to another. To escape being just another link of the chain requires a heavy toll to find the self discipline in obtaining a new “default” of personal strength, honesty and perseverance. Kinships often replace old toxic familyships as tragic as that sounds, but necessary to prevent familyships from reinforcing old false ideologies and wrongly assigned guilt from moving onward. While I believe family should come first, they first must want the best for everyone else too, including me.

    1. You’re spot on. I think a lot of victims in abusive relationships come from abusive households and tend to find abusive partners because they’ve become accustomed to that environment. And no matter if it’s family, friends or anyone else it’s best to walk away if they are abusive or toxic towards you.

      1. I think you’ll find the distinction about Stockholm is an unexpected traumatic event that most often fuses abusing strangers; whereas familial indoctrination from birth is often understood to be normalized dynamics to the point that without outside intervention victims rarely realize they are being victimized and any notion any victim secretly theorizes of its abnormally will also psychologically terrorize the victim further when they consider the choice between accepting the abuse or risk ostracized survivorship by all the members left behind.
        No two trauma bonding relationships are equal. Similar in nature, yes, but the variables are too great to ever be seen as really being equal.

        1. Yes, very true. Each experience is unique.

    2. I love how you put this.

      We choose the people in our lives based on where we are at the time. If we have unhealed past traumas, we filter out everyone who doesn’t feel “normal” or relatable to us, because spending time with them feels very unnatural.

      It is only through our own healing are we able to then connect with people who are likewise healed. Just because someone appears sympathetic, who appears to understand our past, doesn’t mean they are healthy for us. Abusers like people who have broken pasts, because they know the tricks to send them back there or worse.

      Abusers are experts at appearing to be sympathetic to gain our trust. We know we are healed when we are no longer seeking sympathy, but a partner. “Love bombing” is a classic sign of an abuser, working fast to reel a person in before they discover who they really are.

      In a healthy relationship, we take our time to know each other deeply, and to build healthy connections, before moving in together!

  8. Well done you for leaving…life is a wheel and love comes round again when we least expect it.

    1. Thanks and I absolutely agree, we all get more chances in the future to find the right person.

  9. Anger, bitterness creep in, rot us and take over. My favorite line was “I never remember the exact moment you turned into a monster.”

    1. So true, they’re often not obvious but rather creep in. We don’t realise when it starts but when it becomes more obvious.

  10. A relatable poem for so many people. Very well expressed Pooja

    1. Thank you so much.

      1. You’re most welcome

  11. Human psychology is weird.

    1. So weird, I studied psychology for years and the main thing I learnt is that our brain is insanely weird.

  12. When a victim leaves, it’s important that they have a strong support network around them, or they usually, in most instances, return to the hell they just ran away from.
    This is wonderful and powerful writing Pooja G. 👏👏👏💪

    1. I couldn’t agree more. They need all the support they can get but the sad part is that many have little to no support as abusers often isolate them from family and friends.
      Thanks so much 💕

      1. Girl is the present reality for some of my dearest friends. Fear immobilizes…and family either don’t believe, or are just unwilling to intervene. Abusers are expert manipulators. Just gotta be ready and willing to step in when they find the courage to run. It’s scary. 🙏

        1. Yes, unfortunately so. A very sad reality. Of course, all we can do is let them know we’ll be there for them when they are able to leave.

  13. The door never completely closes, does it?

    1. Unfortunately not.

  14. Well written, Pooja, as always. You’re writing is always excellent and full of sentiments.😊🙏🙏

    1. Thanks so much, really appreciate that 😊

      1. My pleasure! Pooja😊🥰🌟🙏

  15. Trauma bonding. I have never heard of that term, not it makes perfect sense. It is real. The stats say that it takes 8 times for someone to leave their abuser. Very true for me. I know there are some who never get away. There are also some who miss it. The evil you know is more comfortable than the evil you don’t.

    1. Yes, I’ve read about that too. Unfortunately, a lot of victims return and too many are never able to leave for good. I’m really glad you were able to leave.

    1. Thank you 🤗💕

      1. You’re welcome !!😉

  16. Your poem is very relatable to many, Pooja. Some people feel they can’t leave a relationship because they don’t want to be alone or they are afraid of the consequences. Even if one leaves the relationship, feelings can still linger. Beautiful piece, Pooja.

    1. Thanks so much. I very much agree. Unfortunately, for some people being alone is more scary since they’re often quite isolated. And yes, sometimes feelings can linger on.

      1. You’re welcome, Pooja.

  17. You should add the line; “I also remember the way you bled as I stabbed your heart.” just to complete the darkness. That might just turn this into a haooy memory. Just Saying. 🤣😎🙃

    1. Lol, the perfect ending 😅

  18. This is so well written, Pooja, and relatable to many I’m sure. It’s easy for anyone to say, “Just leave” but without living in those shoes, no one knows the full circumstances. Thanks for sharing! 🩷

    1. Thanks so much. Absolutely, it’s easy to say “why didn’t you just leave?” but it’s never that simple. People don’t understand what it’s like till they experience it.

  19. very true, people in such situations are faced with a lot of mixed emotions, which is why they dont leave such a situation, and sometimes are unable to think about leaving, especially if its a minor facing such situation. It will take team effort help these individuals, which can be tough as abusers tend to isolate their victim from loved ones. This is when family/friends will need to be a little more persistent with checking in their loved one. Either way I hope people can build up the courage to eventually flee.

    1. You’re absolutely right. Often abusers isolate the victim completely and try to make sure they rely on them as much as possible. It’s incredibly difficult for them to leave.

  20. was not is
    always never and forever

    1. That is life…

      1. yes my dear and i am glad ur still here. remember that for what it is worth. koi orange carp oh boy!

          1. take davids advice either. lay down! stay down! cover up too!

            1. Done, done and done!

              1. doctor to our disease. dirty warren knew. oh pfft that.

  21. What a moving, emotional story! I really enjoyed the format you chose too, it made it feel really personal. ❤️

    1. Thank you so much ❤️

  22. Sadly, many women and men, etc. as well find themselves in abusive relationships and people judge them for not leaving, for going back. It’s not an easy situation. It takes a lot of courage, support and even funds to leave. A heart breaking reality for counsellors everywhere. A deadly reality to people in the situation.

    1. Yes, that is the sad truth. The main problem is that most abusers make the victim rely on them fully which makes it incredibly difficult for victims to leave.

  23. An emotionally powerful post. Thoughts going out to all who are experiencing this.

    1. Thanks so much, yes hopefully they can leave someday.

  24. So well written and so well described, Pooja. Each to their own thoughts, but strength is required… to stay and to walk out.
    Lovely as always 🤍

    1. Thank you so much. Absolutely, strength is always necessary when it comes to relationships 💛

      1. always welcome 🤍

  25. Girl you are so talented!

    1. Aw, so are you boo! 🥰

  26. This is thought provoking. It took me way back. Thanks for sharing. Have a great weekend.

    1. Thank you so much and you too.

  27. This is a powerful piece, Pooja, and I think it captures what it would feel like to feel trapped in an abusive relationship. I like the prose style you’ve used. It’s impactful. Well done!

    1. Thank you so much!

  28. Wow Pooja this is beyond powerful!!!!!!

    1. Thank you so much!!

      1. You’re welcome!

  29. Loved the story. I really do not know what advice to give someone who’s stuck in these kind of relationships. I’ve had some friends, all girls/ladies, who have unloaded to me. I recently started telling them to work for financial independence because that usually empowers people. As for the violence bit, that may be a bandaid that has to be ripped off, the partner just can’t change.😔
    I was looking for you online btw. You’ve been MIA🥺😩

    1. Thanks so much. I know what you mean, it’s tough to help someone in that situation. But yes, financial independence helps a lot.
      Lol, yeah I’ve been so busy but luckily I’ll be more free from next week 😊

      1. Haha, you getting more free🫠

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