I apologise in advance for any typos. I cut a super spicy pepper and my fingers are still burning lol. I’ve washed my hands like a million times and put lotion so it’s better now and I should be fine by tomorrow!
I usually try to share a mental health post advice on Thursdays but instead of doing that I decided to talk about growth. I promise this has to do with mental health eventually so just bare with my ramblings. I’ve found that I write best when it turns into a stream of consciousness so feel free to skip the parts where I’m saying a whole lot of nothing. Sometimes it just helps me to get it all out. Like right now. Most of this was pretty useless but yet I continue to type it.
Okay, back to growth. Recently I was looking through some old pictures of mine and reading some diary entries I wrote as a teenager. I’m a few weeks short of being twenty-five so it’s been a while since I wrote those. Anyway, I was reading through some of those and something just really hit me. I was such an angry and unhappy person when I wrote them and when I look at myself now I rarely see that side of me. I made a conscious decision to work on myself and to be the best version of myself I can be but I didn’t really monitor the progress to be honest. But when I was faced with that version of myself it just really hit me. I’ve come so incredibly far from that version of myself it’s crazy.
Some of those entries were written at my lowest point. When I was struggling with depression and still self-harming. It’s been years since I’ve felt like that or done anything like that. I couldn’t help but think what it would have been like it I had gone in the other direction and let the darkness overwhelm me instead of fighting it.
I think a big part of why I didn’t end up on the opposite side of where I am today is this blog and all you guys. I know I say this a lot but now you guys really understand just how low of a point I had gotten to when I created this blog. It has literally been a lifesaver for me. I had no where to speak my mind and express myself but this platform gave me a place. I had no idea how to deal with my emotions but writing about them helped a ton. I had very few people in my life who I could be myself around but here I’m always able to be authentic and instead of feeling judged I feel embraced by likeminded people.
Over the years, I’ve really been able to push my demons away and to push the darkness as far away as possible. The thing with mental health problems though is that they never truly go away. They always lurk waiting for when you’re at your weakest. I’m not going to pretend like it’s a happy ending with all sunshines and rainbows. The truth is I still have low moments. There are still nights I cry myself to sleep. There are still times when I don’t want to be here anymore. The main thing is that I now know that I rock bottom doesn’t last forever. I now know how to focus on the positive, to not let the negative emotions win.
The point of this post is to tell you that growth takes time. You may be at rock bottom like I was but just know that nothing lasts forever. Don’t expect anything to change over night but know that your strength and hard-work will pay off over time. You may feel like nothing you’re doing right now is making you feel better but it takes a while for most things to work including a lot of medications so be patient. Give yourself time to heal. If you broke an issue with an organ you would not be expecting it to go back to normal in just a few days. Your brain is an organ too and it takes time to get better and function at its best. Give it that time.
I just wanted to share my story and experiences in the hope that it will help other people out there that may be struggling. I hope you guys know that you are not alone in feeling that way. Most of us have been there and it does eventually get better. If anyone ever wants to talk feel free to email me.
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